Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
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[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
What an awful time to have common sense.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes