People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!