Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
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I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME