“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
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I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
The fall of Netflix