*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.