Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I cannot stop laughing at this
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”