i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi