The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
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Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
My first son he is wonderful
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture