I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
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Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
getting groceries
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕