Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
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I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.