Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
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My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
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[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?