4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
You Might Also Like
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!