EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
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Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
decorating my apartment
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap