“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
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They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.