I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
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“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.