When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
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Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
How all things should be taught/explained.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.