*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
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This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine