*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
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GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
what day is it?
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.