Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
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People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.