My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
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My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Perfect.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.