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Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
what’s the point then??
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
mechanics be like
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Meow