Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
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I’m an avid indoorsman.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
#growingpains
the battle rages on
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?