dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
You Might Also Like
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
How do dragons blow out candles?
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered