I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
You Might Also Like
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE