honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
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[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
welcome back
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger