Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
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goldfish mafia
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
boat question
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.