If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
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People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.