My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
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TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*