I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
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My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that