Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
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Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
incredible
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
we’re gonna need another temp