Diabetes was the God of sugar.
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I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Venn
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
There is no try. There is only give up.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.