“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
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It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.