Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
You Might Also Like
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me