I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
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Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.