The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
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me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”