Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
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My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.