So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
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Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster