Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
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I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Love it! 👍😂
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
You are what you delete.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter