Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
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Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.