Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
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4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Europe. Made in Germany.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*