Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
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Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
nyc:
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors