Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
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Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.