[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
You Might Also Like
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.