Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
You Might Also Like
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Two types of dogs.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again