Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
*limbos under the caution tape
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that