[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
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I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”