When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
You Might Also Like
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
We’ve all been there
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough