I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
You Might Also Like
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt