This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
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In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
A fake ID that makes you younger
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
emergency phone
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
car not found
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”