Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
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the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
awkward
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse